


3 AM thoughts

by angeltyun2



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, Choi Soobin - Freeform, Choi Yeonjun - Freeform, How Do I Tag, Huening Kai - Freeform, I Tried, I dunno how this works, Just your usual Beomgyu being hurt, Kang Taehyun - Freeform, M/M, Mentioned Hueningkai, Post-Break Up, choi beomgyu - Freeform, fluff if you squint, mentioned Yeonbin, post break up thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:08:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28701195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angeltyun2/pseuds/angeltyun2
Summary: It's already 3 AM and Beomgyu still couldn't sleep. It was almost an everyday occurrence for his insomnia to attack him. With his spare time rolling around his bed, he cannot help but to overthink again, reminiscing his memories with his ex and questioning every single bit of it; the "what ifs" and "maybes" as usual. His mind tries to find rest to stop himself from thinking about his "the one that got away".
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Kudos: 6





	3 AM thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, im a new author! This is my first ff, please bear with me :< I don't know if this is a good story or what but I've been itching to post this. I'm still worried if someone's gonna read this. I worked hard for this, proof reading for a month so I hope you'll like it :< English is also not my first language so I'm so sorry in advance for the grammatical errors. Any events or scenarios that may be similar to other stories are just mere coincidence, and if you ever find something so similar, you can recommend it to me so I could read it too :> Let's enjoy fanfictions together, shall we? :> Ohh and for more feels, play “you are the reason” by Calum Scott 😉

3 AM in the morning and it's chilly breeze. The window is shut tight, yet the piercing cold still hit my body. The moon illuminates a low light passing through my bedroom window as I continue to shuffle on my bed unable to sleep. Thoughts filling up my head again, not letting sleepiness enter my body and send peace to my mind. Its 3 am again with the same thoughts that has been repeating for over a year. Haunting me as if it wasn’t allowing me to move on. The same 'what ifs' and 'maybes' taunting me every time my insomnia finds its way to ruin my rest. It’s been a year but the same excruciating pain that torments me still lingers. Oh how I wish I can get rid of it, but the one that got away will surely never be forgotten.

As much as I hate my insufferable personality towards over thinking, my mind cannot simply let go of the ‘maybes’ and ‘what ifs’. Questions such as maybe if I asked him out, things wouldn’t end up like this. Maybe if we put a label on our almost 3 years confusing relationship, I would have my arms wrapped around his tiny waist. Maybe he wouldn’t have got tired. Maybe he would refuse to grow alone as a person but instead, grow together for the better. Maybe if I wasn’t a coward, I would have showed him how much I love him. Then maybe I had the strength to make him stay.

_Maybe_

_just maybe_

We could finally tell the world that we’re together, show them how deeply and madly in love we are for each other.

_Maybe_

_just maybe_

We can finally be braver to fight for our love, to fight for us.

_Then maybe_

_just maybe_

I could still stare at your lovely eyes that seems like the whole universe is in it. Your eyes that reflect the brightest stars in the sky. Your eyes that speak thousands of said and unsaid things, your eyes that screams _"I love you"_ without you saying a single word. The eyes that I love to stare at. The prettiest eyes that I’ve ever seen. My favorite eyes, my favorite you.

It is the eyes that made us connected. If it weren’t from your mesmerizing eyes, I wouldn’t know how happiness truly felt like. Your eyes were the beginning, but I didn’t expect it to be also our ambiguous ending. The eyes who looked at me as if I was the most precious and prettiest thing in the world, also became the eyes that stared at mine filled with void. Like a galaxy but without the rocks, asteroids, moons, and planets. An empty galaxy, just pure darkness.

What if I was honest enough? You would have changed your mind. You would have stayed with me. If I was honest enough, if only I told you every single day how much I love you. If only I wasn’t embarrassed to tell you how I feel whenever I’m around you. If only I’ve told you how nervous I still get whenever I meet your eyes, how the butterflies in my stomach acts whenever you say things that would make my heart flutter, but then again, whatever that comes out of your mouth makes my heart feel giddy.

If only I’ve told you that you still make me fall in love with you despite this deep feeling that I have for you. If only I’ve told you how strong your impact to me, I’ve learned that I was still able to fall in love with you deeply despite how hard and deep I’ve already fallen.

What if I kissed you that night? That would be our first kiss. I shouldn’t have hesitated. It was an almost perfect place for us, us inside of the Ferris wheel booth, appreciating the city lights at night while we’re at the very top. What if I was braver? What if I wasn’t oblivious for the whole time. I know you told me you didn’t want your first kiss to be just somewhere else, it was supposed to be a joke, but I saw your eyes sparkled when you said you want it to be romantic. I never thought of you as a romanticist so I thought it really was a big deal for you so I waited for that romantic time.

I want our first to be that special, so I've been anticipating the timing, no crowd, just us, because I know how you hate showing affection in the public, I know you’re embarrass to be that touchy in front of others and even in front of our friends. You're also scared from the judgmental spare glances and stare from other people. I do too, so I waited for the right time, but when the right time came, my stomach did a flip so I hesitated, and now I’ve just realized what you’ve said. You didn’t mean to say a specific place and time, you always said that being with me is romantic enough but I didn’t get the hint.

All those times, you were pertaining that you didn’t care about the place, time, nor event, you just want me to kiss you. You’ve waited for me to do the first move since I never did any of our first, it was always you. Your kiss is that special so you let me handle it, but I messed it up. I wasn’t able to do any attempt for being oblivious and scared, I failed you again.

These thoughts that keep swirling around my mind makes my heart clench for the nth time. As I stare at the bedroom ceiling, I can feel that I’m in the brink of tearing up. How much I hate crying, how much I hate this feeling, these regrets, these made-up scenarios in my head that would make me feel better. Scenarios of us kissing, us holding hands in the public not caring about the deadly stares that people give us, me holding you tight in front of our friends not minding their teasing. These things that I wish was happening right now only if you didn't leave. Our memories filling up my head makes me yearn for your presence more. I know, I seem like a person with an unhealthy obsession towards you, but what can I do, I love you too much that it hurts. Our miserable memories only make me feel the longingness that I have.

I still don’t get why you left; I found your reason ridiculous. You said you’ve realized how selfish you were, that you didn’t cared for me enough, and how you force yourself to sympathize with me when both of my grandparents died. You said you want to be a better person, an emphatic one, a selfless one. You said those 'changes' require hurting people so you left because you didn’t want me to get hurt by your process of changing. But I didn’t believe any of your bullcrap because I knew you weren’t selfish, I knew you cared for me, I knew you sympathized with me, I knew you for so long that I didn’t bought any of your lies.

How could you say you were selfish if you fought your parents when they said they didn’t like our so-called relationship. Your dad didn’t hurt you physically and emotionally just for you to call yourself selfish. You didn’t let your dad to call you a “useless fag” and “a monster” on a daily basis just to degrade yourself. You were too selfless Tae, you were ready to get hurt for me, for us. You didn’t endure those hurtful words from your father's mouth for almost 3 years for nothing.

If you never cared for my well-being then why did you told me to run away when your father saw us together? Why did you carry those burden all by yourself? You cared Tae, you cared for me too much that it hurts seeing you being beaten up and being thrown hurtful words by your own dad while you let your mom watch you suffer from his hands and I wasn’t able to do anything. If you didn’t care for me then why did you kept on saying that I shouldn’t get involve with your quarrel with your parents? It should be us fighting, not just you alone, but you were too stubborn to even let me lift a finger nor talk about our problem with your parents, I knew you just didn’t want me to get hurt by your father so you kept me away from it. Even if I hated the idea, I still did what you’ve told me because I don’t want you to hate me, I didn’t want to be a burden.

I don’t know where you got that ridiculous idea to make it a reason to leave me. You said you forced yourself to sympathize with me, if so, then why did you risked your life just to come over when your father threatened you and didn’t let you? Why did you refused to open your camera when I called you after you came home from comforting me? I knew your father beat you up again after that. I knew you wouldn’t want me to see you in your vulnerable state because you know I would blame myself if I saw you hurt.

If you didn’t sympathize with me then why bother coming over despite knowing you'll get hurt after? Why did you kept on being stubborn when I told you not to come because I don’t want you to get into trouble again? If you forced sympathy on you then how did you know how much my grandparents meant to me? I don’t recall telling you how close I was to them, but you knew. You knew me too well, from the tone of my voice to my small gestures.

You said you felt like a self-centered person, then how come you know every single detail of me? You knew me more than I knew myself. You knew if I was faking my smile, you knew if I was trying to sound cheerful, you knew the tone of my voice if I want to hide my disappointment. You knew every inch of me, how come you call yourself a “narcissist”? You always put me on your priority list, you even took care of me when we both got sick. We both knew you became twice weaker when you get sick but you still made me your number one priority not minding your own situation. When we eat together, you purposely won’t buy the food that you badly want to eat because you know I’m a picky eater and I wouldn’t eat the food that I don’t feel familiar with. Even at the most trivial thing, you would think about me first. It was ridiculous Taehyun, your reason was ridiculous.

It still doesn’t make any sense to me, you’re too perfect already. I was the one lacking in many aspects. Is that why you left though? Because it seems like I wasn't trying? Did I disappoint you too much to the point that you got tired? I want to understand your reason, but you straight up lied and made-up things to avoid yourself from telling me what really goes on inside of your head.

I even asked Hueningkai and it seems like he didn’t also know why, despite him being your closest friend. You left us confuse, even Yeonjun hyung and Soobin hyung can’t believe things ended just like that between us without any real explanation. We were happy despite the problems and challenges, even our friends knew how much we loved each other. The same question keeps bothering us for almost a year; _“What happened to us?”._ I guess you kept it on your own, just like the old times, carrying your problems and telling us you’re doing fine.

Clock striking to 4, I can suddenly feel something wet on my eyes and cheeks. I guess I’m crying again. I guess I'll be crying to sleep, that's the only way for me to get some rest.

_Taehyun_

**"Kang Taehyun"**

As I whisper your name in the blank thin air, just the mere sound of your name being called hurts me so much. Yet again, our memories for the almost 3 years "us" came back to me like my life flashed before my eyes. All those bickering, cuddles, and countable “ _I love you”s_ because we’re both too embarrass to say those words so we rarely say it to each other. We kept our love with our knowing glances, the gesture that only us can understand.

I miss every single thing that we’ve done, I miss every corner of you. I miss staring at your sparkly doe eyes, your perfectly sloped nose, your plumpy soft lips, your perfect facial structure, I miss looking at your ethereal features. I miss your body pressed on to mine, your figure that fits perfectly when I wrap my arms around you, your hands that's like a puzzle piece when our fingers are intertwined secretly when there's not much people around. I miss your soothing voice, how I miss it whenever you call out my name, just a single _“Gyu”_ or _“Beommie”_ from you can take all my worries away, your lullabies that makes me fall asleep immediately. Your voice records whenever I ask you to sing for me because God knows how much I love your angelic voice especially when you sing.

As I soak up the pillow with my tears, I shifted my position and curled myself on my bed hugging the stuffed bear you gave me on our last Christmas together. You bought it for me because you said the bear reminded you of me. It was your last Christmas present, and it was and still the present I treasure the most. As I remembered those happy little moments that we had, I clenched my stuffed bear on my chest tightly imagining it was you in my arms, not wanting to let go.

I’m still hoping that this pain will end someday, I just want to forget this pain. Why must things end up like this? Why must the world be so cruel to us? Why does our love seem to be forbidden? Why must we end things and act like nothing happened between us? Why must we live full of regrets? Why do you have to be my _'almost'_ if you can be my _‘forever'_?

As I slowly close my eyes to drift myself to sleep, it carries the heavy feeling that I have, it carries my wishes that someday, the world will open up an opportunity to meet you again, and in that day, I swear to not let it slip on my hands. I'll make you mine, I'll make you happier, I'll do better, I'll be braver, I'll be stronger for you, for us. I will not let you become my _'almost'_ again, in that day, I promise to make you my _'eternity'_. Just so, I hope, I still have a chance to retrieve you back, because I don't think my feelings for you will change. I love you too much that I’m willing to wait even if it takes me to our next life.

_Kang Taehyun, my universe_

_the moon to my sleepless nights_

_the blooming flower to my withered field_

_my shining star to my voided galaxy_

_my 'almost'_

_and my 'the one that got away'_

_I'll wait for you, no matter what the universe would say. I'll keep my promise, I'll love you until the end of me._

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, you're now at the end. Thank you for reading my ff. And just to let you know, the idea of this ff is based on my real-life event but the scenarios are made up to fit Taegyu more. I originally planned this story as an original one and put it under the dirt like usual but I thought that it suited Taegyu so much so I made it a Taegyu ff. It wasn’t supposed to be shown in public but I badly want to share this ff of mine because I love Taegyu so much, especially the angst one because the A in Taegyu stands for Angst😉 Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this, love you guys, don’t forget to vote on SMA😘😘


End file.
